CHILDHOOD, JEKYELL & HYDE AND STARBUCKS COFFEE
Most of the memories I have of my childhood are swirls of "controlled" chaos.
For example, I not only have memories of sibling arguments, but also of fist fights - that ended with broken furniture. I also have memories of fights between children and parents! My family, like most, was (is?) very dysfunctional. My dad was never around when I was growing up (it always seemed, though, when my dad WAS around - violence always ensued! My dad had a very bad temper). My mom was really the one that raised me. As I got older - and wiser! - I began to sense that my dad didn't WANT to come home to his family's chaos!
Well, what parent would, right?
When I entered 7th grade, my mom had to get a job 'cause we needed the second income. Unfortunately, most of the household responsibilities then fell to me: cleaning and doing the laundry; watching my little sister; and making dinner. I became so angry and resentful about this forced responsibility that I decided to find ways of getting out of doing them. My mom then informed me that the only way out of doing these chores was a legitimate reason for NOT having to come home after school. Well, that was all I needed: I looked for ANY reasons for staying AFTER school. This is how I became so involved with extra - curricular activities! Of course, I was never into sports; so getting into any kind of sport was out of the question. Besides, my next oldest brother had broken all these school records already, so I wasn't about to try to follow in his legacy!! So I got into everything else in Junior high and High School - plays, clubs, student council. I looked and acted like the "model" student.
It was also around this same time that my homosexual feelings started to develop. I began to really sense that I was NOT like my other male friends. I started to be inappropriate around my male friends - make comments or worse, make a pass! This lead me to distance myself from friends, teachers and family. So, it suddenly began to feel like I was struggling with more than "one" true me: a family Mark (where I "acted" a certain way); a "school" Mark (remember, I was trying to be the "model" student); and a "friend" Mark (who was often ashamed of the things he said and/or did). Some could say that I picked up on my dad's "avoidance" to be around his own family, too! I had worked it so by 10th grade, I was coming home around 8 or 9 pm at nite. And gone most of the weekends. I used to always think of this past behavior as just running away from rigid responsibility. Not until therapy did I realize how deep rooted and complex this really was for me. I've realized that it was during this time of my life that the ground work was laid for the core of my drinking problem. I started to keep secrets from close friends and my mom; I would constantly feel ashamed about things I would do (drinking or sexually "tricking"); and I was beginning to really lose any sense of self - worth because of the double/triple life I found myself leading.
It seemed that I woke up one day in high school with this huge sense of "aloneness" despite constantly being surrounded by friends and family. By college, I was a true Jekyell and Hyde (as opposed to a Sybil!!! ). I had several groups of friends, that often never knew about each other; I was drinking most every opportunity that I had; and still acting out inappropriately in public places. And, oh yes, I still had that "empty/lonely " feeling inside that never seemed to go away. In recovery terms, I had developed a true character defect. A "dysfuctional" coping tool: developing friends, not letting them get close because of my secrets and acting out, drinking to dull the shame and loneliness, then changing friends/living arrangements/jobs.....etc. and starting over again.
After college, I took this defect of mine to the extreme by joining the Peace Corps. See, I thought I was being very altruistic about my reasons for wanting to volunteer: world peace; free travel; save the whales!! (Yea, sometimes I sounded like one of "those" contestant in a beauty pageant!) But, secretly, I was joining the Peace Corps to run away from my life and not have to face it for what it really was - a lie! Of course, everything just got worse!
Today, I am so grateful for my recovery program. I no longer have to live a LIE! The people in my life today know me and love me for who I REALLY am. I no longer have to state half truths; make vague responses; or create out right lies. The core of my recovery is HONESTY. I can no longer afford to keep secrets, do things I am ashamed of or try NOT to be responsible for my actions.
I'm writing this, because my past is being stirred up as I struggle to "face my finacial 4th step". This basically means facing my deepest, darkest secrets surrounding my spending habitats, writing them down and then actually admitting them to another human being.
I find it facinating how my bad spending habits are really tied to my sense of rebelling against adult responsibility.
Who would have guessed that my childhood would affect how I feel when I buy a Starbucks coffee!
For example, I not only have memories of sibling arguments, but also of fist fights - that ended with broken furniture. I also have memories of fights between children and parents! My family, like most, was (is?) very dysfunctional. My dad was never around when I was growing up (it always seemed, though, when my dad WAS around - violence always ensued! My dad had a very bad temper). My mom was really the one that raised me. As I got older - and wiser! - I began to sense that my dad didn't WANT to come home to his family's chaos!
Well, what parent would, right?
When I entered 7th grade, my mom had to get a job 'cause we needed the second income. Unfortunately, most of the household responsibilities then fell to me: cleaning and doing the laundry; watching my little sister; and making dinner. I became so angry and resentful about this forced responsibility that I decided to find ways of getting out of doing them. My mom then informed me that the only way out of doing these chores was a legitimate reason for NOT having to come home after school. Well, that was all I needed: I looked for ANY reasons for staying AFTER school. This is how I became so involved with extra - curricular activities! Of course, I was never into sports; so getting into any kind of sport was out of the question. Besides, my next oldest brother had broken all these school records already, so I wasn't about to try to follow in his legacy!! So I got into everything else in Junior high and High School - plays, clubs, student council. I looked and acted like the "model" student.
It was also around this same time that my homosexual feelings started to develop. I began to really sense that I was NOT like my other male friends. I started to be inappropriate around my male friends - make comments or worse, make a pass! This lead me to distance myself from friends, teachers and family. So, it suddenly began to feel like I was struggling with more than "one" true me: a family Mark (where I "acted" a certain way); a "school" Mark (remember, I was trying to be the "model" student); and a "friend" Mark (who was often ashamed of the things he said and/or did). Some could say that I picked up on my dad's "avoidance" to be around his own family, too! I had worked it so by 10th grade, I was coming home around 8 or 9 pm at nite. And gone most of the weekends. I used to always think of this past behavior as just running away from rigid responsibility. Not until therapy did I realize how deep rooted and complex this really was for me. I've realized that it was during this time of my life that the ground work was laid for the core of my drinking problem. I started to keep secrets from close friends and my mom; I would constantly feel ashamed about things I would do (drinking or sexually "tricking"); and I was beginning to really lose any sense of self - worth because of the double/triple life I found myself leading.
It seemed that I woke up one day in high school with this huge sense of "aloneness" despite constantly being surrounded by friends and family. By college, I was a true Jekyell and Hyde (as opposed to a Sybil!!! ). I had several groups of friends, that often never knew about each other; I was drinking most every opportunity that I had; and still acting out inappropriately in public places. And, oh yes, I still had that "empty/lonely " feeling inside that never seemed to go away. In recovery terms, I had developed a true character defect. A "dysfuctional" coping tool: developing friends, not letting them get close because of my secrets and acting out, drinking to dull the shame and loneliness, then changing friends/living arrangements/jobs.....etc. and starting over again.
After college, I took this defect of mine to the extreme by joining the Peace Corps. See, I thought I was being very altruistic about my reasons for wanting to volunteer: world peace; free travel; save the whales!! (Yea, sometimes I sounded like one of "those" contestant in a beauty pageant!) But, secretly, I was joining the Peace Corps to run away from my life and not have to face it for what it really was - a lie! Of course, everything just got worse!
Today, I am so grateful for my recovery program. I no longer have to live a LIE! The people in my life today know me and love me for who I REALLY am. I no longer have to state half truths; make vague responses; or create out right lies. The core of my recovery is HONESTY. I can no longer afford to keep secrets, do things I am ashamed of or try NOT to be responsible for my actions.
I'm writing this, because my past is being stirred up as I struggle to "face my finacial 4th step". This basically means facing my deepest, darkest secrets surrounding my spending habitats, writing them down and then actually admitting them to another human being.
I find it facinating how my bad spending habits are really tied to my sense of rebelling against adult responsibility.
Who would have guessed that my childhood would affect how I feel when I buy a Starbucks coffee!
posted by Unknown @ 11/21/2005 03:45:00 AM
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