If you don't like my mood now.....wait excatly 5 minutes!

Here in Michigan, we often say "if you don't like the weather, wait 5 mins!". Silly, but if you've lived here, it would make sense to you. For example, just recently, we've gone from a high of around 50F to a low of 7F!! All within the span of 8 hours! Some people like the changes: I've always said I luv the 4 seasons; just not all in one day! I'm not a big outdoor person either, so I really don't like extreme cold nor extreme heat. Comfortable, that's me.
Today, it really struck me: through out the day, my mood/personality is very similar to the Michigan weather patterns!!! No really!
I can go from warm, partly sunny, with a mild breeze to lighting storms with deafening thunder claps!! All in a span of less than 5 mins!!!! Really !! I'm not kidding. Really. Seriously. hehehe....
Seriously, though. Before I got sober, I prided myself on my patience, warm heart and understanding wit. I never realized what a f*****g prick I was! I forced my will on my friends, family and employees! If I didn't get my way, I would sulk, pout, seethe with resentment or outright rebel to get what I wanted. When I first got sober, I was so "unpredictable" that I chose to go on medications to help ease the emotions that were racing thru my body!!! (I often say around my recovery tables "I wish I was Vulcan!!). So, instead of instant dark clouds with a chance of thunderstorms, I became partly cloudy with a slight chance of showers.
Even on meds, I was still gloomy, depressed, and moody. See, we often think that we should feel GREAT all the time while on anti - depressants. Not really true for most of those drugs (well, you know, there's always Prozac!!). But remember, Prozac would MAKE you feel good, but once off it, you felt the same as before. With the medication I was on (I was on Lexapro), I was able to feel my emotions - NOT that I wanted to mind you !!!! - and with the help of my therapist, I actually faced many old "demons" from my childhood and young adult years.
Yes, people, emotional scars are FOR REAL!! Face the facts and own up to your own!!! This crap hurts, like a scab that never heals!! And will keep on hurting until it heals properly! With the clarity and support of many around me - I have smoothed over many scars from my past; some I thought I would have to live with until the day I die. Some scars had scars OVER them, it was so bad!! But, you know what? Just as a real scar or sore will itch and fell "weird" as it heals; so do emotional scars - it's just that most really more or less just feel "weird" as they grow less and less painful. Until finally, they're just a small bump; a shiny piece of "skin" on your emotional radar, if you will.
I'm not sitting hear saying that each day has been a beautifully, clear, Florida Sunshiny day for me. However, lately, it hasn't been dark, gloomy, thunder showers either. I have my gorgeous times; I have my partly cloudy times; I even have my rainy times: the point is - my emotions are like Michigan's weather - nothing is permanent and will ALWAYS change. That's what keeps me going. My "new emotional flowers" need sunshine and water to thrive.
And I won't keep planting new flowers with out experiencing life on life terms.

"NEW, OLD" BEHAVIOR AND THE 7TH STEP

So, last Saturday nite, the local Gay recovery community held it's annual Valentine's Day dance. Nothing special; a DJ in a Rental Hall environment. I had a great time. Some of us even went out dancing afterwards to the local dance club "Q". That Monday, I had my weekly meeting with my Sponsor. He made a comment to me that, at first, was very upsetting. He wanted to make an observation to me which he felt strongly about. Now granted, this is a person who probably knows me as well as my Therapist did. Which is probably why his comment was so upsetting. Basically, he said that he noticed I hung out with all the "cute guys" that nite at the dance, that I didn't mingle and speak to anyone else the whole nite. I was immediately defensive and basically refused to listen to his reasons behind telling me this. My immediate response was about proving him wrong - instead of shifting perspectives and trying to see what he saw. Even after I left that nite, I was still upset. I wasn't angry; which was also curious to me - since, if I felt he was so off base, why wasn't I more upset about what he said, instead of being upset at what he thought of ME by what he saw. Get the picture?
I immediately leaped to "what is he saying about me?" instead of "let's look at the situation objectively". When I first got sober, I made no secret about my past behavior around guys who I felt attracted to: I usually talked to them to A) feel good about about myself or B) try to get in their pants. I have spent alot of energy on changing this behavior: re - thinking how I view guys (as people and not objects!), to creating and abiding by new boundaries for myself and others (not making nor tolerating inappropriate sexual comments). This has enabled me to forge deeper and closer friendships not only with guys but also with other women!! Go figure! The point is, I am very self conscience of my behavior around guys I find attractive, especially in the recovery program.
After a few days mulling over what my sponsor said to me, it hit me why I was so upset and taking the comment so personally: it wasn't that he was questioning me on "old" behavior, he was questioning me on "new, old" behavior! See, I come from a very dysfunctional family; very strong family dynamics that are not always the best to be around. I grew up with closely guarded secrets; "white elephants" (obvious tension, but don't talk about it); and distrusting others with personal information (it will come back and be used against you!!). With in my own family, I learned to hold secrets, hold grudges, distrust "new comers" (new married spouses), and basically learn to trust only the friends I made on my own. This all can be characterized best if I describe my family at a wedding reception: my immediate family can well number into the high teens (siblings, spouses, nieces and nephews). We always sit together at one or at most two tables. Our dynamics make it obvious that no one else is welcome to join us - not even other family members - aunts, uncles, cousins (except for a few recent exceptions). You were only made to feel welcome if you had a "connection" into the family: birth (niece/nephew) or spouse (marriage)(I want to mention my Ex always told me he never really felt comfortable around my family. We've talked alot about this, and now I can finally see his perspective without placing my own emotions on what he was telling me). Anyone else who tried to sit at the table would be "politely tolerated". We would only make small talk, but ultimeltly they were ignored.
I've never really noticed until I got sober how very dichotomous my out look on meeting new people really was: I only talked to those I knew or I only to those I wanted to sleep with. Now I can finally see this underlying distrust of strangers I've always had. Wow! I had no idea.
So, last Saturday nite, my sponsor saw the "old" family dynamic in operation more so than the "old" behavior of just me talking to the "cute" guys in the room. Everyone I was hangin' with that nite I felt were friends of mine. Not guys I was trying to "get to know as a friend" thinkin' all the while how cute they really are and how can I manipulate this situation into getting them into bed! Yes, I was very exclusionary in who I spoke with that nite, but my motives were completely different than in the past. Are the principles still the same? Yes, damn it, they are. Should I still be upset with my sponsor for pointing this out to me? No, damn it, he was right on.
Yet again, I can relate my real life to one of the 12 steps: this is a classic step seven: "Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings". Here I was thinking that I've already had this shortcoming removed; when only the stem was removed and not the whole root. If I want to keep moving forward in my recovery and really gain from the fellowship, I need to recognize this part of me that still roadblocks the experience, strength, and hope of others in this program. My old sponsor told me time and again that I wasn't sharing at meetings just for myself - that my experience, strength, and hope can benefit others at the table. For me, this carries into my everyday life as well. The experience, strength and hope of others can benefit me in my sober life, and not just at the recovery table.