MY TEST RESULTS

Well, sorry it took so long to write about this, but I did get my results back last Saturday, and it was "non - reactive". Remember, a counselor can't say "negative" given the nature of HIV and the tests involved. So as of 2 weeks ago Saturday, I had no antibodies to HIV. I have to admit, for some reason - I wasn't as nervous this time around as in the past. I guess, what it boils down to is that I have really cleaned up my act since I've been sober.
I often share about the nite in my therapists office when I finally admitted I had a "problem" with alcohol (I wasn't an alcoholic!), I added in the same breath ".... but I can't imagine a day with out it". It was then that I began my struggle with my sexual addiction.
At the time, I was very deep in that addiction. So much so, that without honestly dealing with it for over a year, it caused me to relapse in my alcolohol recovery program.
Getting back into my recovery program, I made honesty a foundation to my 12 step work. I even did a sexual 4th step. No longer could I afford to live with half truths, unsaid feelings and dangerous situations. Today, I can admit to weeks of not acting out on my sexual addiction - considering I would often act out two or three times a day back then.
We in recovery are often grateful to wake up clear headed with memories of the nite before; waking up the next morning after a major drinking holiday with no hangover; even grateful to be sober when encountering a drunk in public. Today, I am grateful that I can honestly tell you excatly what I was doing for the past 24 hours, with no shame attached to any of my actions or situations. That is a true miracle.

A PUBLIC THANK YOU TO MR. CRUSH GUY AND MY HP

Remember the crush I've had on the guy I met in January (see posting "Gael Garcia Bernal and Learning to Love Myself)? Well, I've purposefully have been avoiding writing about my feelings for him for fear of sounding too "Al - Anonish". I've chosen to use more conventional recovery tools - like talking with my sponsor! Which has really helped alot - it gets me out of my head while looking at things with a much different perspective. I've always said around my recovery tables that my addiction is not about fighting the urge so much as fighting what my head says is reality - as opposed to what the reality is in front of me. I have become the expert on turning life's simplest episodes into major "teenage" drama: does he like me? why did he do that to me? what did he really mean when he said that? Oh my God, no way - he did NOT just do that!!!!! Yea, pretty twisted when written down!! I'm finding that with any constant internal battle, I have strong days and not so strong days.
For some reason, the past couple of days have definitely been "not so strong days". As in, my reality filter has now seeped into not only more of my personal life, but also my work life and my recovery life.
How do I know? I've become very good at connecting the dots of events that occurred - well after the fact! For example, right now as I sit and write this, I can name at least 3 people who are close to me that I feel are not "talking" to me now. Why? Does it matter? "Resentment is like taking a poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die". My reality filter allowed a few choice words out of my mouth that never should have been verbalized. Oh sure, I could sit and argue that the circumstances warranted what I said, but in my honest program - I have to own up to my side of the fence: I knew exactly what I was saying at the time.
And frankly, as I sit here now, I can't help but feel "F**k them".
Huge sign folks, huge. What should I do about it?
Well, that brings me back to my crush. Remember, most of what we are reacting to negatively in our recovery is really not about the reality at hand: a friend of mine shared with me how he made a biting comment to his boyfriend about chips, because of an ice cream resentment from a few days ago!! Yes, innocent and funny now, but the "stone in the pond" affect is dangerous. My stone right now is my crush. I have to deal with and accept my true feelings about him.
I feel like Mr. "Crush - Guy" is hiding his feelings from me and is unable to face how he really feels about me: i.e. like I feel about him. I sometimes find myself getting angry at him (or others!!!! the 3 friends!!) because I just want him to admit to what is so obvious to me: he has developed feelings for me that he doesn't know how to verbalize. I'm creating feelings that I think he has AND reacting to them at the same time. How's that for filtering reality?
My therapist always told me: "if you don't express your emotions in a healthy way, they eventually will come out in an unhealthy environment" (feeling angry for stupid things!) So, I decided to take action.
I recently wrote Mr. "Crush - Guy" an honest and open email about how I was feeling. I really wasn't expecting a direct response either. However, I can't help but feel that the way he has responded reinforces my own thinking that he has strong feelings he doesn't know how to deal with! Wait - what? I know - sick and twisted!!! I try to remember what I was like around my first year in recovery: couldn't verbalize my feelings; struggling to live day to day; and basically, an emotional mess! Huh, sounds just like what he's going thru!! Yea, I'm placing unrealistic expectations on someone so I can respond in my "old habit" way: get angry and drop him as a friend.
I can only pray every night for the courage to let him be and be OK with what I have gained so far: when I ended my 5 year relationship and got sober, I felt like not even my own cat could or would love me - that's how much self - hate was in me.
Here I am today, learning to love myself more each day. And in the process, experiencing the many levels love has to offer! I realize I am capable of loving someone again - and THAT is the true miracle of my recovery. Thank you Mr. "Crush - Guy" and thank you to my hp.