Gael Garcia Bernal and Learning to Love Myself

So, I'm sitting here at my local coffee shop, pretty much waiting for this guy to call me about going to a movie today. I just met Gael (let's call him Gael, after my absolute fav movie actor Gael Garcia Bernal!) - exactly one week ago at a recovery meeting. I was able to hang out with him again the next night following another meeting we attended together. When I'm around him I feel like "a school girl": my heart quickens, I can barely speak, and I have that "feeling" in the pit of my stomach! You know the one: "am I cute enough?", "am I thin enough?" Basically, the "I'm not good enough" tapes. Don't get me wrong - this is more than just wanting to "jump in bed". Believe me, since I've been sober, I at least know the difference between "lust" and "attraction". I even took the next step and talked to my sponsor about this. See, I'm kinda bitter about feeling this way!! Like, I should have MORE control over my emotions than I do when I'm around him!!! Crazy, huh? Yea, I know - I should be happy and all. But, I can't help to feel that I should have gained more experience in these situations AGES ago, like back in High School and/or College. However, thanks to my sobriety having started just over three years ago (remember, I relasped after a year and four months clean!), my feelings are the age at which I started drinking. Well, for me that puts me smack dab as a god damn Teenager!! Gael looks at me and sets off the Roller coaster of emotions, the self doubt, the puppy dog "lust".
I've been trying to look back on my past relationships. In reminiscing about my exs and my first few weeks in hanging out with them, I can't remember excatly how I felt around them in those critical first few weeks of "do I really like him or not". I do realize there was instant, mutual attraction, a lot of flirting, and that intangible feeling that starts in your stomach and makes your eyes dilate when ever we were together!! (I call it "the lab experiment": all of the body's chemical reactions to the other person) But - I can't help discounting those feelings as NOT being real. Back then, that was the "Addict Mark" - emotionally void. Today, I feel EVERYTHING. Which leads to me DOUBT myself whenever I'm around anyone that starts my lab experiment! This, in turn, leads me to doubt the intentions of the "chemical reactor". During a meal Gael and I shared, my lab experiment was bubbling over!! However, Gael didn't seem to be having the same reactions as me!! And, damn it! I'm very bitter over this!
That is, after we arranged to share a meal together; hang out and play pool after that meal; arrange to attend another recovery meeting together and then share a cuppa joe after that meeting; he finally dropped the "I just want to be friends" line. Yea, I feel like he "dropped the line" on me! 'Cause, see, I'm not bitter with him! (Isn't that always the case in Recovery?) I'm bitter at myself - for falling into this same pattern AGAIN! Yes, I have to own up, be honest, talk about, and openly say "this is a definite pattern of behavior for me".

Since I've been in recovery, I have placed myself in this type of situation more than 3 times now. Gael is probably number 5 or 6. You would think three would make it a pattern! I'm not going to name names or go into details about the past. But, C'mon people! 6 f**kin' times? What the f***? It seems like I meet these guys and seemly hit it off right away; we arrange to hang out a few times; and then I get hit with the "I just want to be friends" line. So, this naturally leads me to ask "is it me"? Like, do these guys get to know me more and THEN decide it's not going to work out, so lets just be friends?
No, it's not like that. In owning up to my behavior - it's more like this: me choosing NOT to acknowledge the singnals Gael and the others were giving me. I am still afraid of being rejected, so I go for the softer path and act like I want to be friends. When in my head, I'm screaming "Like me! like me! like me!". I haven't gained the confidence of having my actions match what I am truly feeling. Which makes me feel less in control of the situation. Which leads me to feel "weak". Thus, feeding my addict that says: "your never going to be good enough".
It's this "pattern" that is really at the core of my bitterness.
I watch other guys be smooth, suave, sexy and seemingly "get the guy". I think "why can't I be like that?" Why? Because I'm not those guys. I'm Mark, which I'm learning to live with, and more importantly, learning to love. I'm slowly starting to see those personality traits that my friends actually see - and luv about me! If they see them AND luv them - what's stopping me?
Learning to love ourselves first before allowing others to love us back. What a true BLESSING this recovery program gives us today.