Gael Garcia Bernal and Learning to Love Myself

So, I'm sitting here at my local coffee shop, pretty much waiting for this guy to call me about going to a movie today. I just met Gael (let's call him Gael, after my absolute fav movie actor Gael Garcia Bernal!) - exactly one week ago at a recovery meeting. I was able to hang out with him again the next night following another meeting we attended together. When I'm around him I feel like "a school girl": my heart quickens, I can barely speak, and I have that "feeling" in the pit of my stomach! You know the one: "am I cute enough?", "am I thin enough?" Basically, the "I'm not good enough" tapes. Don't get me wrong - this is more than just wanting to "jump in bed". Believe me, since I've been sober, I at least know the difference between "lust" and "attraction". I even took the next step and talked to my sponsor about this. See, I'm kinda bitter about feeling this way!! Like, I should have MORE control over my emotions than I do when I'm around him!!! Crazy, huh? Yea, I know - I should be happy and all. But, I can't help to feel that I should have gained more experience in these situations AGES ago, like back in High School and/or College. However, thanks to my sobriety having started just over three years ago (remember, I relasped after a year and four months clean!), my feelings are the age at which I started drinking. Well, for me that puts me smack dab as a god damn Teenager!! Gael looks at me and sets off the Roller coaster of emotions, the self doubt, the puppy dog "lust".
I've been trying to look back on my past relationships. In reminiscing about my exs and my first few weeks in hanging out with them, I can't remember excatly how I felt around them in those critical first few weeks of "do I really like him or not". I do realize there was instant, mutual attraction, a lot of flirting, and that intangible feeling that starts in your stomach and makes your eyes dilate when ever we were together!! (I call it "the lab experiment": all of the body's chemical reactions to the other person) But - I can't help discounting those feelings as NOT being real. Back then, that was the "Addict Mark" - emotionally void. Today, I feel EVERYTHING. Which leads to me DOUBT myself whenever I'm around anyone that starts my lab experiment! This, in turn, leads me to doubt the intentions of the "chemical reactor". During a meal Gael and I shared, my lab experiment was bubbling over!! However, Gael didn't seem to be having the same reactions as me!! And, damn it! I'm very bitter over this!
That is, after we arranged to share a meal together; hang out and play pool after that meal; arrange to attend another recovery meeting together and then share a cuppa joe after that meeting; he finally dropped the "I just want to be friends" line. Yea, I feel like he "dropped the line" on me! 'Cause, see, I'm not bitter with him! (Isn't that always the case in Recovery?) I'm bitter at myself - for falling into this same pattern AGAIN! Yes, I have to own up, be honest, talk about, and openly say "this is a definite pattern of behavior for me".

Since I've been in recovery, I have placed myself in this type of situation more than 3 times now. Gael is probably number 5 or 6. You would think three would make it a pattern! I'm not going to name names or go into details about the past. But, C'mon people! 6 f**kin' times? What the f***? It seems like I meet these guys and seemly hit it off right away; we arrange to hang out a few times; and then I get hit with the "I just want to be friends" line. So, this naturally leads me to ask "is it me"? Like, do these guys get to know me more and THEN decide it's not going to work out, so lets just be friends?
No, it's not like that. In owning up to my behavior - it's more like this: me choosing NOT to acknowledge the singnals Gael and the others were giving me. I am still afraid of being rejected, so I go for the softer path and act like I want to be friends. When in my head, I'm screaming "Like me! like me! like me!". I haven't gained the confidence of having my actions match what I am truly feeling. Which makes me feel less in control of the situation. Which leads me to feel "weak". Thus, feeding my addict that says: "your never going to be good enough".
It's this "pattern" that is really at the core of my bitterness.
I watch other guys be smooth, suave, sexy and seemingly "get the guy". I think "why can't I be like that?" Why? Because I'm not those guys. I'm Mark, which I'm learning to live with, and more importantly, learning to love. I'm slowly starting to see those personality traits that my friends actually see - and luv about me! If they see them AND luv them - what's stopping me?
Learning to love ourselves first before allowing others to love us back. What a true BLESSING this recovery program gives us today.

Why Cute Guys Are a Threat to My Sobriety

So, about 3 months ago, I met this guy for coffee after chatting on Gay.com for over an hour. Yea, I know - what was I thinking? Why over coffee and not something more intimate? (just kidding!) This guy seemed different. Which has proven to be true. He's younger than me, a college student, very cute, outgoing and incredibly sexy. Coffee turned into three months of "hangin' out" - we're NOT dating. Because he's moving to Florida in August. He's been very honest about our relationship, since we first met, actually. Which I've told him time and again, I respect him for his honesty - something so many other guys seem to be incapable of in today's dating scene!

Anyways, my point here is this: I took a risk! I met someone with the possibility of being rejected for who I am!

In my last relationship, I also felt like the risk taker, although my ex would probably disagree! When I was drinking - and cheating! - I was always the one to strike up the conversation, make the first move, basically take the chance at being rejected. When I first got sober, I was a broken, hollowed out shell of a person who could barely look you in the eye, let alone be the old self - confident, out going, risk taker! It's been a very slow, difficult journey to even get to this point in my recovery: just making new friends. To me, this is a HUGE risk!

The whole process of getting to know someone, trusting them, and then caring for them enough to love them, to me, is a mind field of heartache and pain. At any point, something could happen and then this relationship which I've so carfully natured is gone! I know, I know - down right selfish and cynical, right? That's what my 12 step program helps me with: my down right selfish, cynical views on reality! I've come to realize how empty and lonely I would be if I didn't allow new friends to enrich my life! And this is just about making NEW friends! You can imagine what it's like for me, then, if I chose to begin to date someone!! The negative self - talk tapes jump into overdrive; often on the HIGHEST volume, no less!

Lately, however, I've been caught in this circular thinking pattern that I can't seem to derail: If I wait for someone to flirt with me, I think, it'll never happen(then I list all the negative reasons why, i.e. looks, weight, etc!)!; so, I should it least make eye contact, with the guys I find attractive, I continue; but, what if I'm boxing myself in with a too narrow view on what I find attractive, another voice asks? Maybe I should go for someone more outside of my "box"! Well, what if I'm really not that attracted to him once we get into the bedroom? So, I should just stick with what I really like: young, non - white, mature and career minded!

Basically, THE IMPOSSIBLE!

Yes, I've finally, realized what I've been doing - and this thinking has NOT been limited to choosing a date! This circular, fatalistic thinking has really been filtering most of my reality for some time now. Sometimes, to the point that I would revert back to my old, addictive thinking: to hell with the consequences, I'm not doing anything responsible! I won't pay bills; I spend my budget on every whim that happens by; and then wonder why I'm still so miserable despite being sober!!

Lately, my sobriety has not been threatened by picking up a drink. My sobriety is this constant, usually daily battle in my head about my self worth. All I have to do is walk by some guy who I find remotely attractive (think about that - I'm a gay guy! how often do you think THIS happens?); and then BHAM! I'm off on my own private roller coaster of thoughts and negative self - talk tapes!! Getting out of my head is usually the best tool I have to regain any sense of serenity!

Staying sober is not always about NOT drinking! My battle is living with my self and loving who I am on the inside. Most of the time, I battle maintaining a sense of reality that says "I'm OK with the person I am, just for today!".

p.s. That's a pic of a model I find hot: Aaron Diaz - he's Mexican.