Why Cute Guys Are a Threat to My Sobriety

So, about 3 months ago, I met this guy for coffee after chatting on Gay.com for over an hour. Yea, I know - what was I thinking? Why over coffee and not something more intimate? (just kidding!) This guy seemed different. Which has proven to be true. He's younger than me, a college student, very cute, outgoing and incredibly sexy. Coffee turned into three months of "hangin' out" - we're NOT dating. Because he's moving to Florida in August. He's been very honest about our relationship, since we first met, actually. Which I've told him time and again, I respect him for his honesty - something so many other guys seem to be incapable of in today's dating scene!

Anyways, my point here is this: I took a risk! I met someone with the possibility of being rejected for who I am!

In my last relationship, I also felt like the risk taker, although my ex would probably disagree! When I was drinking - and cheating! - I was always the one to strike up the conversation, make the first move, basically take the chance at being rejected. When I first got sober, I was a broken, hollowed out shell of a person who could barely look you in the eye, let alone be the old self - confident, out going, risk taker! It's been a very slow, difficult journey to even get to this point in my recovery: just making new friends. To me, this is a HUGE risk!

The whole process of getting to know someone, trusting them, and then caring for them enough to love them, to me, is a mind field of heartache and pain. At any point, something could happen and then this relationship which I've so carfully natured is gone! I know, I know - down right selfish and cynical, right? That's what my 12 step program helps me with: my down right selfish, cynical views on reality! I've come to realize how empty and lonely I would be if I didn't allow new friends to enrich my life! And this is just about making NEW friends! You can imagine what it's like for me, then, if I chose to begin to date someone!! The negative self - talk tapes jump into overdrive; often on the HIGHEST volume, no less!

Lately, however, I've been caught in this circular thinking pattern that I can't seem to derail: If I wait for someone to flirt with me, I think, it'll never happen(then I list all the negative reasons why, i.e. looks, weight, etc!)!; so, I should it least make eye contact, with the guys I find attractive, I continue; but, what if I'm boxing myself in with a too narrow view on what I find attractive, another voice asks? Maybe I should go for someone more outside of my "box"! Well, what if I'm really not that attracted to him once we get into the bedroom? So, I should just stick with what I really like: young, non - white, mature and career minded!

Basically, THE IMPOSSIBLE!

Yes, I've finally, realized what I've been doing - and this thinking has NOT been limited to choosing a date! This circular, fatalistic thinking has really been filtering most of my reality for some time now. Sometimes, to the point that I would revert back to my old, addictive thinking: to hell with the consequences, I'm not doing anything responsible! I won't pay bills; I spend my budget on every whim that happens by; and then wonder why I'm still so miserable despite being sober!!

Lately, my sobriety has not been threatened by picking up a drink. My sobriety is this constant, usually daily battle in my head about my self worth. All I have to do is walk by some guy who I find remotely attractive (think about that - I'm a gay guy! how often do you think THIS happens?); and then BHAM! I'm off on my own private roller coaster of thoughts and negative self - talk tapes!! Getting out of my head is usually the best tool I have to regain any sense of serenity!

Staying sober is not always about NOT drinking! My battle is living with my self and loving who I am on the inside. Most of the time, I battle maintaining a sense of reality that says "I'm OK with the person I am, just for today!".

p.s. That's a pic of a model I find hot: Aaron Diaz - he's Mexican.