GAY - N - SOBER: RANDOM MUSINGS

MY TEST RESULTS

2006-03-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

Well, sorry it took so long to write about this, but I did get my results back last Saturday, and it was "non - reactive". Remember, a counselor can't say "negative" given the nature of HIV and the tests involved. So as of 2 weeks ago Saturday, I had no antibodies to HIV. I have to admit, for some reason - I wasn't as nervous this time around as in the past. I guess, what it boils down to is that I have really cleaned up my act since I've been sober.
I often share about the nite in my therapists office when I finally admitted I had a "problem" with alcohol (I wasn't an alcoholic!), I added in the same breath ".... but I can't imagine a day with out it". It was then that I began my struggle with my sexual addiction.
At the time, I was very deep in that addiction. So much so, that without honestly dealing with it for over a year, it caused me to relapse in my alcolohol recovery program.
Getting back into my recovery program, I made honesty a foundation to my 12 step work. I even did a sexual 4th step. No longer could I afford to live with half truths, unsaid feelings and dangerous situations. Today, I can admit to weeks of not acting out on my sexual addiction - considering I would often act out two or three times a day back then.
We in recovery are often grateful to wake up clear headed with memories of the nite before; waking up the next morning after a major drinking holiday with no hangover; even grateful to be sober when encountering a drunk in public. Today, I am grateful that I can honestly tell you excatly what I was doing for the past 24 hours, with no shame attached to any of my actions or situations. That is a true miracle.

A PUBLIC THANK YOU TO MR. CRUSH GUY AND MY HP

2006-03-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

Remember the crush I've had on the guy I met in January (see posting "Gael Garcia Bernal and Learning to Love Myself)? Well, I've purposefully have been avoiding writing about my feelings for him for fear of sounding too "Al - Anonish". I've chosen to use more conventional recovery tools - like talking with my sponsor! Which has really helped alot - it gets me out of my head while looking at things with a much different perspective. I've always said around my recovery tables that my addiction is not about fighting the urge so much as fighting what my head says is reality - as opposed to what the reality is in front of me. I have become the expert on turning life's simplest episodes into major "teenage" drama: does he like me? why did he do that to me? what did he really mean when he said that? Oh my God, no way - he did NOT just do that!!!!! Yea, pretty twisted when written down!! I'm finding that with any constant internal battle, I have strong days and not so strong days.
For some reason, the past couple of days have definitely been "not so strong days". As in, my reality filter has now seeped into not only more of my personal life, but also my work life and my recovery life.
How do I know? I've become very good at connecting the dots of events that occurred - well after the fact! For example, right now as I sit and write this, I can name at least 3 people who are close to me that I feel are not "talking" to me now. Why? Does it matter? "Resentment is like taking a poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die". My reality filter allowed a few choice words out of my mouth that never should have been verbalized. Oh sure, I could sit and argue that the circumstances warranted what I said, but in my honest program - I have to own up to my side of the fence: I knew exactly what I was saying at the time.
And frankly, as I sit here now, I can't help but feel "F**k them".
Huge sign folks, huge. What should I do about it?
Well, that brings me back to my crush. Remember, most of what we are reacting to negatively in our recovery is really not about the reality at hand: a friend of mine shared with me how he made a biting comment to his boyfriend about chips, because of an ice cream resentment from a few days ago!! Yes, innocent and funny now, but the "stone in the pond" affect is dangerous. My stone right now is my crush. I have to deal with and accept my true feelings about him.
I feel like Mr. "Crush - Guy" is hiding his feelings from me and is unable to face how he really feels about me: i.e. like I feel about him. I sometimes find myself getting angry at him (or others!!!! the 3 friends!!) because I just want him to admit to what is so obvious to me: he has developed feelings for me that he doesn't know how to verbalize. I'm creating feelings that I think he has AND reacting to them at the same time. How's that for filtering reality?
My therapist always told me: "if you don't express your emotions in a healthy way, they eventually will come out in an unhealthy environment" (feeling angry for stupid things!) So, I decided to take action.
I recently wrote Mr. "Crush - Guy" an honest and open email about how I was feeling. I really wasn't expecting a direct response either. However, I can't help but feel that the way he has responded reinforces my own thinking that he has strong feelings he doesn't know how to deal with! Wait - what? I know - sick and twisted!!! I try to remember what I was like around my first year in recovery: couldn't verbalize my feelings; struggling to live day to day; and basically, an emotional mess! Huh, sounds just like what he's going thru!! Yea, I'm placing unrealistic expectations on someone so I can respond in my "old habit" way: get angry and drop him as a friend.
I can only pray every night for the courage to let him be and be OK with what I have gained so far: when I ended my 5 year relationship and got sober, I felt like not even my own cat could or would love me - that's how much self - hate was in me.
Here I am today, learning to love myself more each day. And in the process, experiencing the many levels love has to offer! I realize I am capable of loving someone again - and THAT is the true miracle of my recovery. Thank you Mr. "Crush - Guy" and thank you to my hp.

MUSING ON GETTING TESTED

2006-03-11T12:04:00.000-05:00

I probably shouldn't be revealing this here, but if I'm going to be true and honest - here goes: I just had an HIV test done. Like 15 minutes ago!! And now the waiting begins. I felt if this is my site on "Random Thoughts on Being Gay ....." - this definitely qualifies. So here are some of my thoughts right now:
This is the first time I've had an oral test done; and the first time I went to the local Gay and Lesbian Community center. I guess for some unfounded reason, I've always been afraid of the oral test; yea, I know, I really don't know why. But, come to find out, the oral test goes thru the same Elysia and Western Blot tests for anti - bodies as do the blood samples. And of course, it's pain FREE!! So instead of a needle prick (which I hate!!!), you keep this sponge thing in your mouth for 4 minutes. A much better option for needle phobes like me!
So question: Do all Gay organizations ONLY hire young, hot guys!!! My counselor was Chris: OMG! Young (late 20's), tall, thin, big hands and feet and the most beautiful Aqua blue eyes I've ever seen! It was so hard to concentrate! At the County Health Department where I usually go, there were usually female counselors, nurses, and phlebotomists. Chris was great eye candy for a change - plus kept my mind off the racing thoughts I usually have while getting tested.
I'm also writing this on this site as a kind of public insurance of admittance. See, I have this overwhelming urge to NOT tell anyone things that happen to me in my daily life. I'm talking big things, too - like being sent home from work! Walking off the job! Big stuff! I just get this "I don't want to burden my friends or family" feeling when stuff happens to me like that. However, once I do finally say something, I always feel 100% better and get so much love a support from everyone!! So this way, I know friends and family will know at least I've been tested. So in about 2 weeks when I get the results back - they'll be asking me questions that I'll have to answer honestly!! I did with when I first got Sober. I told my co - workers and my superiors about my out patient treatment, as well as family members and my ONE friend I still had at the time: Scott. This way, I felt, I had to follow thru with the treatment and not drink for fear of letting all those people "down". That was, until it finally "clicked" that I had to stop drinking 'cause I wanted to - NOT for other people!
Well, lastly, I hope this entry prompts others who read it to finally get tested. I know you all know where your local Community Health Department is located that offers free, anonymous HIV testing. If you have had unprotected sex or injected drugs - you should get tested. And don't wait for 3 years to do it like I did.... that is way too long! Early dection is best; remember - a positive result is NOT a death sentence! Never has - never will!! Be safe, get tested and thanks for visiting!!!!

If you don't like my mood now.....wait excatly 5 minutes!

2006-02-21T18:30:00.000-05:00

Here in Michigan, we often say "if you don't like the weather, wait 5 mins!". Silly, but if you've lived here, it would make sense to you. For example, just recently, we've gone from a high of around 50F to a low of 7F!! All within the span of 8 hours! Some people like the changes: I've always said I luv the 4 seasons; just not all in one day! I'm not a big outdoor person either, so I really don't like extreme cold nor extreme heat. Comfortable, that's me.
Today, it really struck me: through out the day, my mood/personality is very similar to the Michigan weather patterns!!! No really!
I can go from warm, partly sunny, with a mild breeze to lighting storms with deafening thunder claps!! All in a span of less than 5 mins!!!! Really !! I'm not kidding. Really. Seriously. hehehe....
Seriously, though. Before I got sober, I prided myself on my patience, warm heart and understanding wit. I never realized what a f*****g prick I was! I forced my will on my friends, family and employees! If I didn't get my way, I would sulk, pout, seethe with resentment or outright rebel to get what I wanted. When I first got sober, I was so "unpredictable" that I chose to go on medications to help ease the emotions that were racing thru my body!!! (I often say around my recovery tables "I wish I was Vulcan!!). So, instead of instant dark clouds with a chance of thunderstorms, I became partly cloudy with a slight chance of showers.
Even on meds, I was still gloomy, depressed, and moody. See, we often think that we should feel GREAT all the time while on anti - depressants. Not really true for most of those drugs (well, you know, there's always Prozac!!). But remember, Prozac would MAKE you feel good, but once off it, you felt the same as before. With the medication I was on (I was on Lexapro), I was able to feel my emotions - NOT that I wanted to mind you !!!! - and with the help of my therapist, I actually faced many old "demons" from my childhood and young adult years.
Yes, people, emotional scars are FOR REAL!! Face the facts and own up to your own!!! This crap hurts, like a scab that never heals!! And will keep on hurting until it heals properly! With the clarity and support of many around me - I have smoothed over many scars from my past; some I thought I would have to live with until the day I die. Some scars had scars OVER them, it was so bad!! But, you know what? Just as a real scar or sore will itch and fell "weird" as it heals; so do emotional scars - it's just that most really more or less just feel "weird" as they grow less and less painful. Until finally, they're just a small bump; a shiny piece of "skin" on your emotional radar, if you will.
I'm not sitting hear saying that each day has been a beautifully, clear, Florida Sunshiny day for me. However, lately, it hasn't been dark, gloomy, thunder showers either. I have my gorgeous times; I have my partly cloudy times; I even have my rainy times: the point is - my emotions are like Michigan's weather - nothing is permanent and will ALWAYS change. That's what keeps me going. My "new emotional flowers" need sunshine and water to thrive.
And I won't keep planting new flowers with out experiencing life on life terms.

"NEW, OLD" BEHAVIOR AND THE 7TH STEP

2006-02-19T15:04:00.000-05:00

So, last Saturday nite, the local Gay recovery community held it's annual Valentine's Day dance. Nothing special; a DJ in a Rental Hall environment. I had a great time. Some of us even went out dancing afterwards to the local dance club "Q". That Monday, I had my weekly meeting with my Sponsor. He made a comment to me that, at first, was very upsetting. He wanted to make an observation to me which he felt strongly about. Now granted, this is a person who probably knows me as well as my Therapist did. Which is probably why his comment was so upsetting. Basically, he said that he noticed I hung out with all the "cute guys" that nite at the dance, that I didn't mingle and speak to anyone else the whole nite. I was immediately defensive and basically refused to listen to his reasons behind telling me this. My immediate response was about proving him wrong - instead of shifting perspectives and trying to see what he saw. Even after I left that nite, I was still upset. I wasn't angry; which was also curious to me - since, if I felt he was so off base, why wasn't I more upset about what he said, instead of being upset at what he thought of ME by what he saw. Get the picture?
I immediately leaped to "what is he saying about me?" instead of "let's look at the situation objectively". When I first got sober, I made no secret about my past behavior around guys who I felt attracted to: I usually talked to them to A) feel good about about myself or B) try to get in their pants. I have spent alot of energy on changing this behavior: re - thinking how I view guys (as people and not objects!), to creating and abiding by new boundaries for myself and others (not making nor tolerating inappropriate sexual comments). This has enabled me to forge deeper and closer friendships not only with guys but also with other women!! Go figure! The point is, I am very self conscience of my behavior around guys I find attractive, especially in the recovery program.
After a few days mulling over what my sponsor said to me, it hit me why I was so upset and taking the comment so personally: it wasn't that he was questioning me on "old" behavior, he was questioning me on "new, old" behavior! See, I come from a very dysfunctional family; very strong family dynamics that are not always the best to be around. I grew up with closely guarded secrets; "white elephants" (obvious tension, but don't talk about it); and distrusting others with personal information (it will come back and be used against you!!). With in my own family, I learned to hold secrets, hold grudges, distrust "new comers" (new married spouses), and basically learn to trust only the friends I made on my own. This all can be characterized best if I describe my family at a wedding reception: my immediate family can well number into the high teens (siblings, spouses, nieces and nephews). We always sit together at one or at most two tables. Our dynamics make it obvious that no one else is welcome to join us - not even other family members - aunts, uncles, cousins (except for a few recent exceptions). You were only made to feel welcome if you had a "connection" into the family: birth (niece/nephew) or spouse (marriage)(I want to mention my Ex always told me he never really felt comfortable around my family. We've talked alot about this, and now I can finally see his perspective without placing my own emotions on what he was telling me). Anyone else who tried to sit at the table would be "politely tolerated". We would only make small talk, but ultimeltly they were ignored.
I've never really noticed until I got sober how very dichotomous my out look on meeting new people really was: I only talked to those I knew or I only to those I wanted to sleep with. Now I can finally see this underlying distrust of strangers I've always had. Wow! I had no idea.
So, last Saturday nite, my sponsor saw the "old" family dynamic in operation more so than the "old" behavior of just me talking to the "cute" guys in the room. Everyone I was hangin' with that nite I felt were friends of mine. Not guys I was trying to "get to know as a friend" thinkin' all the while how cute they really are and how can I manipulate this situation into getting them into bed! Yes, I was very exclusionary in who I spoke with that nite, but my motives were completely different than in the past. Are the principles still the same? Yes, damn it, they are. Should I still be upset with my sponsor for pointing this out to me? No, damn it, he was right on.
Yet again, I can relate my real life to one of the 12 steps: this is a classic step seven: "Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings". Here I was thinking that I've already had this shortcoming removed; when only the stem was removed and not the whole root. If I want to keep moving forward in my recovery and really gain from the fellowship, I need to recognize this part of me that still roadblocks the experience, strength, and hope of others in this program. My old sponsor told me time and again that I wasn't sharing at meetings just for myself - that my experience, strength, and hope can benefit others at the table. For me, this carries into my everyday life as well. The experience, strength and hope of others can benefit me in my sober life, and not just at the recovery table.

Gael Garcia Bernal and Learning to Love Myself

2006-01-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting here at my local coffee shop, pretty much waiting for this guy to call me about going to a movie today. I just met Gael (let's call him Gael, after my absolute fav movie actor Gael Garcia Bernal!) - exactly one week ago at a recovery meeting. I was able to hang out with him again the next night following another meeting we attended together. When I'm around him I feel like "a school girl": my heart quickens, I can barely speak, and I have that "feeling" in the pit of my stomach! You know the one: "am I cute enough?", "am I thin enough?" Basically, the "I'm not good enough" tapes. Don't get me wrong - this is more than just wanting to "jump in bed". Believe me, since I've been sober, I at least know the difference between "lust" and "attraction". I even took the next step and talked to my sponsor about this. See, I'm kinda bitter about feeling this way!! Like, I should have MORE control over my emotions than I do when I'm around him!!! Crazy, huh? Yea, I know - I should be happy and all. But, I can't help to feel that I should have gained more experience in these situations AGES ago, like back in High School and/or College. However, thanks to my sobriety having started just over three years ago (remember, I relasped after a year and four months clean!), my feelings are the age at which I started drinking. Well, for me that puts me smack dab as a god damn Teenager!! Gael looks at me and sets off the Roller coaster of emotions, the self doubt, the puppy dog "lust".
I've been trying to look back on my past relationships. In reminiscing about my exs and my first few weeks in hanging out with them, I can't remember excatly how I felt around them in those critical first few weeks of "do I really like him or not". I do realize there was instant, mutual attraction, a lot of flirting, and that intangible feeling that starts in your stomach and makes your eyes dilate when ever we were together!! (I call it "the lab experiment": all of the body's chemical reactions to the other person) But - I can't help discounting those feelings as NOT being real. Back then, that was the "Addict Mark" - emotionally void. Today, I feel EVERYTHING. Which leads to me DOUBT myself whenever I'm around anyone that starts my lab experiment! This, in turn, leads me to doubt the intentions of the "chemical reactor". During a meal Gael and I shared, my lab experiment was bubbling over!! However, Gael didn't seem to be having the same reactions as me!! And, damn it! I'm very bitter over this!
That is, after we arranged to share a meal together; hang out and play pool after that meal; arrange to attend another recovery meeting together and then share a cuppa joe after that meeting; he finally dropped the "I just want to be friends" line. Yea, I feel like he "dropped the line" on me! 'Cause, see, I'm not bitter with him! (Isn't that always the case in Recovery?) I'm bitter at myself - for falling into this same pattern AGAIN! Yes, I have to own up, be honest, talk about, and openly say "this is a definite pattern of behavior for me".

Since I've been in recovery, I have placed myself in this type of situation more than 3 times now. Gael is probably number 5 or 6. You would think three would make it a pattern! I'm not going to name names or go into details about the past. But, C'mon people! 6 f**kin' times? What the f***? It seems like I meet these guys and seemly hit it off right away; we arrange to hang out a few times; and then I get hit with the "I just want to be friends" line. So, this naturally leads me to ask "is it me"? Like, do these guys get to know me more and THEN decide it's not going to work out, so lets just be friends?
No, it's not like that. In owning up to my behavior - it's more like this: me choosing NOT to acknowledge the singnals Gael and the others were giving me. I am still afraid of being rejected, so I go for the softer path and act like I want to be friends. When in my head, I'm screaming "Like me! like me! like me!". I haven't gained the confidence of having my actions match what I am truly feeling. Which makes me feel less in control of the situation. Which leads me to feel "weak". Thus, feeding my addict that says: "your never going to be good enough".
It's this "pattern" that is really at the core of my bitterness.
I watch other guys be smooth, suave, sexy and seemingly "get the guy". I think "why can't I be like that?" Why? Because I'm not those guys. I'm Mark, which I'm learning to live with, and more importantly, learning to love. I'm slowly starting to see those personality traits that my friends actually see - and luv about me! If they see them AND luv them - what's stopping me?
Learning to love ourselves first before allowing others to love us back. What a true BLESSING this recovery program gives us today.

Why Cute Guys Are a Threat to My Sobriety

2006-01-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

So, about 3 months ago, I met this guy for coffee after chatting on Gay.com for over an hour. Yea, I know - what was I thinking? Why over coffee and not something more intimate? (just kidding!) This guy seemed different. Which has proven to be true. He's younger than me, a college student, very cute, outgoing and incredibly sexy. Coffee turned into three months of "hangin' out" - we're NOT dating. Because he's moving to Florida in August. He's been very honest about our relationship, since we first met, actually. Which I've told him time and again, I respect him for his honesty - something so many other guys seem to be incapable of in today's dating scene!

Anyways, my point here is this: I took a risk! I met someone with the possibility of being rejected for who I am!

In my last relationship, I also felt like the risk taker, although my ex would probably disagree! When I was drinking - and cheating! - I was always the one to strike up the conversation, make the first move, basically take the chance at being rejected. When I first got sober, I was a broken, hollowed out shell of a person who could barely look you in the eye, let alone be the old self - confident, out going, risk taker! It's been a very slow, difficult journey to even get to this point in my recovery: just making new friends. To me, this is a HUGE risk!

The whole process of getting to know someone, trusting them, and then caring for them enough to love them, to me, is a mind field of heartache and pain. At any point, something could happen and then this relationship which I've so carfully natured is gone! I know, I know - down right selfish and cynical, right? That's what my 12 step program helps me with: my down right selfish, cynical views on reality! I've come to realize how empty and lonely I would be if I didn't allow new friends to enrich my life! And this is just about making NEW friends! You can imagine what it's like for me, then, if I chose to begin to date someone!! The negative self - talk tapes jump into overdrive; often on the HIGHEST volume, no less!

Lately, however, I've been caught in this circular thinking pattern that I can't seem to derail: If I wait for someone to flirt with me, I think, it'll never happen(then I list all the negative reasons why, i.e. looks, weight, etc!)!; so, I should it least make eye contact, with the guys I find attractive, I continue; but, what if I'm boxing myself in with a too narrow view on what I find attractive, another voice asks? Maybe I should go for someone more outside of my "box"! Well, what if I'm really not that attracted to him once we get into the bedroom? So, I should just stick with what I really like: young, non - white, mature and career minded!

Basically, THE IMPOSSIBLE!

Yes, I've finally, realized what I've been doing - and this thinking has NOT been limited to choosing a date! This circular, fatalistic thinking has really been filtering most of my reality for some time now. Sometimes, to the point that I would revert back to my old, addictive thinking: to hell with the consequences, I'm not doing anything responsible! I won't pay bills; I spend my budget on every whim that happens by; and then wonder why I'm still so miserable despite being sober!!

Lately, my sobriety has not been threatened by picking up a drink. My sobriety is this constant, usually daily battle in my head about my self worth. All I have to do is walk by some guy who I find remotely attractive (think about that - I'm a gay guy! how often do you think THIS happens?); and then BHAM! I'm off on my own private roller coaster of thoughts and negative self - talk tapes!! Getting out of my head is usually the best tool I have to regain any sense of serenity!

Staying sober is not always about NOT drinking! My battle is living with my self and loving who I am on the inside. Most of the time, I battle maintaining a sense of reality that says "I'm OK with the person I am, just for today!".

p.s. That's a pic of a model I find hot: Aaron Diaz - he's Mexican.

GO SEE "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" RIGHT NOW!

2005-12-20T21:00:00.000-05:00

Dudes!! If you haven't already done so - GO SEE this movie! Yes - it is seriously THAT good! I had the good fortune to see "Brokeback Mountain" on Thursday December 8, 2005 - for free! OMG! Was I blown away! This movie sneaks up on you slowly - it strolls along just like a real cowboy would stroll along up in the mountains where this movie takes place! Every word, every gesture speaks to the emotion, torment and confusion these two cowpokes are going thru! It strolls to a slow gallop and then sucker pucnches you in the very last frame!! WOW! I have felt this affected by a gay themed movie since "Making Love" back in the 80's! Remember THAT mvie!! I just went to see "Brokeback" AGAIN this past Saturday ... and it was packed!! I believe that this is definitly one of those movies that will affect you! stick with you! and quite possibly change your perspective on life! Yes, this movie is THAT good! I hope you go see it soon! "Cause when it gets nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor and Best Adapted Screenplay...... all the shows will be sold out!!! And then WHAT will you do?
Peace!

COLD MEDICINE REGULATION AND DRINKING RESPONSIBLY

2005-12-11T21:30:00.000-05:00

Wow! Sorry it's been so long since my last entry - I've been sick with a nasty sinus infection! Plus, I don't have health insurance yet (still waiting for the 90 day mark at the new job!). So, I tried this new product out - called Zicam. Works wonders, as long as you keep up with it - just like a real antibiotic. 'Cause I used up the whole bottle (25 tablets), and the next day got this nasty cough! So, it was off to the local Walgreens again for a cough medicine. God luv the Free Market society!! There are just way too many choices out there that are supposed to help with the common cold and/or flu! You really need a medical background to navigate today's over the counter medicines!! All I wanted was one that would take care of my cough, but I found one that would also help with my congestion. I was still overwhelmed by the "wall of cold medicine" I was facing. All these little index cards listing what the drug will do for you if you choose to purchase it! All they really did was creating more questions! What really is the difference between a name brand medicine and the off brand anyway? Is it really like the difference in the Costco store and the Kirkland brand? Do I want to trust ingesting a drug that is less than its brother product? I'm I just creating drama where none exists? Whoa, slow down cheetah!
Anyway, by the way, there really are NOT a whole lot of alcohol free remedies out there!!
Why is that?
Speaking of index cards, did you know that a lot of the cold/flu remedies are being kept BEHIND the pharmacists counter, at least here in the Metro Detroit area?! It seems for years, some drug users have been purchasing stuff like Sudafed and cooking it up in homemade labs into Methamphetamine (meth)! Who knew!! According to a USA Today article from June of this year, these addicts use the drug Pseudoephedrine found in some over the counter cold and flu remedies.
Did you also know that there is pending legislation about restricting how these cold and flu products will be made AND how they will be sold? The USA Today article states: "At least 44 states have passed or are considering legislation to restrict products that contain pseudoephedrine. In addition, the U.S. Senate is considering legislation that would impose strict standards on products made with pseudoephedrine. The bill proposes placing the products behind the counter, requiring the customer to show identification and sign a log book, and limiting how much can be sold at a time." So, this new drug craze is costing us as a society a lot of money at several levels: the drug companies will have to alter the way they make their product and charge us more to purchase them; our own lawmakers now have to divert their time and energy from other issues to create laws around common cold and flu medicines; local pharmacies have already changed how they stock these products; and finally, these drug companies have already had to make these little index cards which you use to bring up to the pharmacy counter to purchase their product!!
Wow!! All this commotion over some products that are being abused by a very small portion of the US population. I can't help but think about the similarities surrounding alcohol purchases! You have to be 21 and show ID. It is usually sold behind a counter, and its sale and distribution is regulated by a state governing body! It even has warning labels on it in some states!!! (so I here). So, how did all this regulation help stop ME from abusing alcohol? It didn't, obviously!
Is government regulation really the answer to stopping abuse?
Not really, but it is a hell of a start!
Regulation alone is never enough. Coupled with education and awareness though, it could become a stronger measure against drug and alcohol abuse. In addition, however, we as a society should adopt a new message surrounding alcohol intake, rather than the lame "just say no" or "friends don't let friends drive drunk" ones. The message should be: RESPONSIBILITY. Not just from the TV ads either! I believe that like driving, drinking is a PRIVILEGE not a right. As family and friends drink together, we should really monitor everyone's alcohol intake as closely as we watch our own. How often have you found yourself out with friends and its time to head home, and someone in your group is saying "Really, I'm fine. I don't need a cab. I'll call you when I get home". NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Being responsible means stepping up and actually saying something about that persons alcohol intake BEFORE its too late.
How many of us would feel comfortable doing that? I know I have already. With friends that already knew I didn't drink. Let me tell you; it didn't go over well. A small shift in attitude could affect so many lives!
"Please Drink responsibly" could be " Please drink socially". Or how about stealing from "Got Milk" - "Got Limits?" Or even "Can you hear me now?" could become "Should I stop drinking now?". Let me know what you think....or your suggestions! Peace.

CHILDHOOD, JEKYELL & HYDE AND STARBUCKS COFFEE

2005-11-21T03:45:00.000-05:00

Most of the memories I have of my childhood are swirls of "controlled" chaos.
For example, I not only have memories of sibling arguments, but also of fist fights - that ended with broken furniture. I also have memories of fights between children and parents! My family, like most, was (is?) very dysfunctional. My dad was never around when I was growing up (it always seemed, though, when my dad WAS around - violence always ensued! My dad had a very bad temper). My mom was really the one that raised me. As I got older - and wiser! - I began to sense that my dad didn't WANT to come home to his family's chaos!
Well, what parent would, right?
When I entered 7th grade, my mom had to get a job 'cause we needed the second income. Unfortunately, most of the household responsibilities then fell to me: cleaning and doing the laundry; watching my little sister; and making dinner. I became so angry and resentful about this forced responsibility that I decided to find ways of getting out of doing them. My mom then informed me that the only way out of doing these chores was a legitimate reason for NOT having to come home after school. Well, that was all I needed: I looked for ANY reasons for staying AFTER school. This is how I became so involved with extra - curricular activities! Of course, I was never into sports; so getting into any kind of sport was out of the question. Besides, my next oldest brother had broken all these school records already, so I wasn't about to try to follow in his legacy!! So I got into everything else in Junior high and High School - plays, clubs, student council. I looked and acted like the "model" student.
It was also around this same time that my homosexual feelings started to develop. I began to really sense that I was NOT like my other male friends. I started to be inappropriate around my male friends - make comments or worse, make a pass! This lead me to distance myself from friends, teachers and family. So, it suddenly began to feel like I was struggling with more than "one" true me: a family Mark (where I "acted" a certain way); a "school" Mark (remember, I was trying to be the "model" student); and a "friend" Mark (who was often ashamed of the things he said and/or did). Some could say that I picked up on my dad's "avoidance" to be around his own family, too! I had worked it so by 10th grade, I was coming home around 8 or 9 pm at nite. And gone most of the weekends. I used to always think of this past behavior as just running away from rigid responsibility. Not until therapy did I realize how deep rooted and complex this really was for me. I've realized that it was during this time of my life that the ground work was laid for the core of my drinking problem. I started to keep secrets from close friends and my mom; I would constantly feel ashamed about things I would do (drinking or sexually "tricking"); and I was beginning to really lose any sense of self - worth because of the double/triple life I found myself leading.
It seemed that I woke up one day in high school with this huge sense of "aloneness" despite constantly being surrounded by friends and family. By college, I was a true Jekyell and Hyde (as opposed to a Sybil!!! ). I had several groups of friends, that often never knew about each other; I was drinking most every opportunity that I had; and still acting out inappropriately in public places. And, oh yes, I still had that "empty/lonely " feeling inside that never seemed to go away. In recovery terms, I had developed a true character defect. A "dysfuctional" coping tool: developing friends, not letting them get close because of my secrets and acting out, drinking to dull the shame and loneliness, then changing friends/living arrangements/jobs.....etc. and starting over again.
After college, I took this defect of mine to the extreme by joining the Peace Corps. See, I thought I was being very altruistic about my reasons for wanting to volunteer: world peace; free travel; save the whales!! (Yea, sometimes I sounded like one of "those" contestant in a beauty pageant!) But, secretly, I was joining the Peace Corps to run away from my life and not have to face it for what it really was - a lie! Of course, everything just got worse!
Today, I am so grateful for my recovery program. I no longer have to live a LIE! The people in my life today know me and love me for who I REALLY am. I no longer have to state half truths; make vague responses; or create out right lies. The core of my recovery is HONESTY. I can no longer afford to keep secrets, do things I am ashamed of or try NOT to be responsible for my actions.
I'm writing this, because my past is being stirred up as I struggle to "face my finacial 4th step". This basically means facing my deepest, darkest secrets surrounding my spending habitats, writing them down and then actually admitting them to another human being.
I find it facinating how my bad spending habits are really tied to my sense of rebelling against adult responsibility.
Who would have guessed that my childhood would affect how I feel when I buy a Starbucks coffee!

LABELS OR PUZZLE PIECES?

2005-11-15T01:30:00.000-05:00

I've been reading a lot about how young people today are NOT defining themselves with the traditional Gay/Lesbian labels we older folks fought in the streets over. For example, there is an excellent article on the "Gay and Lesbian Review" website (www.GLReview.com) titled "The new Gay Teen: Shunning Labels". It talks about teens who are refusing to term themselves gay or lesbian despite having a same sex boy/girl - friend! Some of the teens in the article even argue that "gay and lesbian" is too restrictive for them as a label to fit with their political views. The article goes on to list 6 possible reasons why these teens are breaking out of the label box: 1. safety, 2. internalized homophobia, 3. fluidity (not permanent), 4. philosophy (they are gay, but don't regulate them to fit into neat boxes), 5. fit (many claim they are NOT "Will or Jack" from TV!), 6. Politics (some have very "out there" views). I found it fascinating that the article didn't really go into "stereotyping", only the "fit" reason mentioned in #5 above. Isn't stereotyping based off of our own fear when confronted with labels outside of our own boxes? Wouldn't you NOT want to be stereotyped by your friends? Does it really matter WHY these teens are choosing not to use gay/lesbian as a label?
Why yes it does.
I believe these teens are not using the basic gay/lesbian titles we have grown used to simply because they refuse to buy into their outdated connotations.
It took years before I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic because I could never view myself as the stereotype drunk I had pictured in my head. I would very often think to myself "at least I'm not as bad as him/her!". That changed when I became willing to see the havoc and chaos alcohol was causing in my life. During my IOP (Intensive Out Patient treatment), I never said I was an alcoholic, I simply had a "problem with alcohol" (today my recovery program has shown me why I am an alcoholic - I simply can't stop drinking on my own!). Even when I was struggling with my sexuality in highschool, it wasn't about the "gay" label for me. It was more about NOT wanting to be "different" from my friends; as in feeling more comfortable around girls 'cause the boys caused ALL these alienating, often confusing emotions in me. I really didn't struggle over being "gay" as much as I struggled over "being a fag" - i.e. that phantom sissy/nelly/girly guy that NONE of my friends wanted to be! Once I had it in my head that I WAS gay (i.e. liking guys!), I never thought of my sexuality as a "problem" for me! It was just a part of me that I chose NOT to share with certain individuals (for fear of my safety!).
My fear of being an alcoholic or a fag was really all that was in the way of me facing my true genetics - a drunk fag! I truly believe that I was BORN this way; no label attached. I've always shied away from labeling people around me. I've always approached and interacted with "individuals", not "labels". My friends are so much more than just gay, bi, transgendered, etc. They are also moms, teachers, retired, djs, interior designers, cat owners, dog owners, real estate mogels, etc. etc. etc.
I don't view my sexuality nor my recovery as "labels", they are smaller pieces to a larger, greater puzzle called Mark! With out them, and many, many other pieces, my puzzle wouldn't be whole. Embrace your puzzle pieces, don't be afraid to place them where they belong.

BIENG A FRIEND

2005-11-12T02:50:00.000-05:00

When I first got sober more than 3 years ago, I really, literally had only person I would call a friend. At the time, my lack of friends was not my fault - I blamed it on my Ex, my work... etc - everything and everyone else but ME.
Not until I got into a recovery program did I begin to realize that that are 2 parts to a friendship: having a friend AND being a friend! It was a slow, often difficult process, but I've learned how to be open enough to allow people to get to know me, trust me and really begin to care about me - as a friend. It NEVER occurred to me that THIS would happen to ME about THEM! Just as I felt I couldn't face a day with out alcohol, I really felt I would never develop friendships that would prove to be meaningful and long lasting.
Hence, the importance of the SECOND part of the friendship for me!
Being a friend has proven to be more difficult, some times, than remaining sober. It's because being the friend means having ALL this responsibility attached to ME! For example, once I have a friend, being a friend means I call THEM! I can't wait for my "Unlimited minutes" to kick in either! Or I can't assume they will always return MY phone messages! I'm a true believer in leaving silly voice messages, too. Anything, to bring a smile to my friend's face when they listen to their voice mail: a silly saying, a silly phone scam, or even just a sound bite of a song that makes me think of them!! I'll do anything to bring a smile to their face when they listen to my voice mail.
Another responsibility attached to being a friend is acceptance. I have to acceptance my friend under most ANY circumstances! Which can prove rather daunting once certain world views begin to make themselves known! And I know you KNOW what I'm talking about here!! lol
I think the most difficult responsibility I have being a friend is loyalty.
Why is this? Why would it be easier for my friend to flush our friendship down the toilet than actually face me honestly and talk openly about what happened? I have found myself disappointed time and again by friends who would rather NOT talk to me anymore or avoid my phone calls, rather than just talk face to face about whatever happened. I most often get angry that THEY are not calling ME back - for this or that reason. And then I start to form a huge resentment against them. Then, I stop calling THEM! lol. What a vicious cycle, right ?

See, the truth is, when it comes right down to it: its NOT my friends that start to avoid me or stop returning my phone calls - it's ME! I'm the one that does everything that I just described above- NOT my friends!
Being a friend means that I have to HUMBLE myself enough to pick up the phone, be honest and say "tell me what's wrong"and still love them no matter what they tell me!
I am truly blessed for all the friends I have in my life today. I love you all!!!!!!!
Have you called a friend today?
Mark

MY FIRST BLOG POSTING!!

2005-11-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hello! Welcome to my FIRST blog posting ... ever! I've always heard about "blogging" on the news and stuff. Plus, my good friend Rick (www.divergent09.blogspot.com) has been using his blog to keep us folks here in Michigan updated on his adventures in Taipaei, Taiwan (you'll just have to go to his blog to find out what I mean by "adventures"!!). So, I was sitting here at my usual hang out in Ferndale, MI - the Java Hut - and I thought it was about time that I add my two cents to the internet world at large.
So, let's start with a little bit about me: I'm 41, obviously a Gay male (no! not by my nelly nature - but by my own blog post above!), single still after 2 years (more on that later) and sober now for over 2 years (but three years in the recovery program). I still live in the house my last ex (Jaddi) and I purchased over 5 years ago (this past October! wow!). Jaadi and I have been broken up for as long as I've been sober - (yea, alot more on that later, too!). I do live with my cat Seven of Nine, whom I call "Seven" (kudos to those of you who know the Star Trek reference!). Oh, by the way, the 3 things I love most about life:
CHER, cute boys, coffee and CHER!
So, back to sittin' at the Java hut and my wow moment: it's amazing to me that I can sit in this small, little shop; very disconnected to those around me since I'm wearing headphones to tune them all out! Yet, because of how my life is "interconnected" now, I still manage to "run into" someone I know from some recovery program! Considering, around this time 3 years ago - I was a little over 5 months clean with literally only ONE friend in the world! Now, my cell phone is full of numbers, people constantly call me, and I am always seeing friends at Java. I used to feel that my whole self - worth was wrapped around walking into a bar and everyone shouting my name or running up to me to tell me the lastest dish! I was all about bein' in other people's biz and definitly NOT taking care of my own! Today, I sit here secure in who I am - no longer craving that chaos I used to think was my life. I no longer hunger for that false sense of self - worth based off of dishin' about other people's drama! Today, I can sit serenly in a local coffee shop, secure enough in my self to just say hi to ANYONE that happens by!
Even without - gasp! - any JUDGEMENT. wow.
I just wanted to share my "wow" moment with you.
Thanks for stopping by,
Mark